Week 42: Nimble Enough

October 15, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized) (, , , )

Running late, I decided to get into the longest line I’ve ever witnessed for Starbucks. Didn’t have the time,  iPod’s acting weird, computer’s acting weird, work desktop’s acting weird — I’m stressed and acting weird… Anyway, I got into line and two men get in behind me, one senior to the other. They’re talking about the office, the young kid’s obviously new. The old guy’s obviously been there awhile. I overhear him mentoring: “With these types of projects, at the end, there are just gonna be things you couldn’t have prepared for — that are beyond your control — and you just gotta be nimble enough to go with the flow. Because inevitably, something’s gonna happen.”

Best advice I could have been late for. Whereas a few weeks ago I’d had “enough” and consequently spent this morning’s bus ride figuring out where I could squeeze out more order for my life;  peace of mind came from the assembly line at Starbucks.  “Nimble enough” — that’s the real goal.

I walked out of Starbucks happy, then spilled my foamy drink on myself, got pissed, thought of the chain reaction of shittiness it set into motion for the day and had to start all over again.


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Week 20: iDon’tGetIt. Clearly

October 10, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

This week, I stopped by the Apple store to play with the iPad. I felt like a gimp using it. I know everyone else thinks it’s amazing, but I think you’re being had.

This post was meant for April or something, but in the spirit of my recent anger, here are some other things I don’t get of late:

Why people insist on walking down the middle of the sidewalk when there are clearly two sides on which to walk and tons of people obeying those rules. And don’t smack me with your fucking purse when you do sashay past me. You just further prove how much you suck.

Why, when I call you, you don’t call me back. Do I have to leave a message? You’re my family and friends. If you don’t care, neither do I. I’m done.

Why _you_ are angry at me that I am planning my wedding and you don’t know every detail yet. Do you know that I don’t know every detail yet? Do you care what I want or about my happiness? Clearly not.

That’s enough for Week 20. When I resume posting in Weeks 40 and beyond, I’ll have far more anger to spew in your direction.


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Week 22: New Job

October 10, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

Yep, I skipped this week way back when because I was so stressed out. I was working like a dog to get this job we so desperately needed me to get, and it ended up being such a great thing that I did neglect everything else for this job. Because I got it!! And along with the position of Senior Digital Copywriter, I got a great team, great talent, great clients, great opportunities, great location downtown and tremendous growth. I feel good about my job, maybe for the first time ever. It’s put into motion the desire and push to feel good about other things in my life.

This is probably why I’m so pissed off of late.

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Week 41: Free Will Astrology

October 7, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

Whoa. I like to read “New City’s” Free Will Horoscopes online. They remind me to be more positive. On the heels of my last post, here’s my latest:

CANCER (June 21-July 22): For the moment, set aside your complaints about the transgressions of your original family. Cease your laments about the struggles you had to endure as a child. If you enjoy marinating yourself in those sorrows, you can always return to them at a later date. Here are the opportunities that are now available to you: to focus on the gifts that your early life blessed you with… to acknowledge the resources bequeathed to you by the past… to celebrate and access the primal power that has been yours to draw on since the day you were born.

Now that’s what I call “timing”. Gotta “marinate” on this a little bit and figure out how to make the transition from Week 40 to 41 and beyond.

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Week 40: Enough

October 6, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

I looked in the mirror last night and saw an angry, ugly, old woman staring back at me.

I need a break.

I’ve been running a fever now for two months. I work all the time and worry about it when I’m not working. My meals consist of candy, chocolate, chips and coffee. I rarely sleep and barely solidly. My heart’s been going like crazy. I’ve gained six pounds in two months. I don’t exercise anymore. I don’t drink enough water. I am under stress from family crap and wedding crap and money crap. I’m coughing and having trouble breathing. I’m dizzy. I’m tired. I feel pretty lousy actually.

I need control over something. Good control. Useful control. I’m cutting bad people out of my life and trying to release their control of me. Unfortunately, most of these  people are my family. It’s a terrible thing to let go of: Wanting bad people to not be so bad for me. Wanting them to get better. Needing them to so I can be happy. So I can have them in my life so that I can pretend that I have a useful , normal family. But I can’t change them and I can’t change them by willing them to change. I try, but all I end up changing is my own personality to make them happy. It’s how I’ve survived my whole life. Maybe that’s denial. Being afraid to be true to myself. Being afraid to admit that the people who want to control me are bad in their intentions, not good. That they are selfish and make me feel incompetent to make themselves feel better. That I am not truly worthless, but made to feel that way so they have something THEY can control. Errrr, this is more than I want to say in a blog. I guess the reality is I still am the one who has to change and who can change and who has control over my own happiness by changing. And these people who don’t give a damn about me — I don’t need to give such a damn about them. They have certainly made me feel small enough that I seem to think I need to accept being treated this way, but that’s not true, is it? I don’t get a thing out of relationships like that but the terrible symptoms I’ve described above. Why am I accepting this, then? Clearly because I still need so badly to feel loved by the people who matter most in our early lives: Our family.

Way too heavy for a blog. I’m saving the rest for the novel I’ll one day write.

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Week 39: For the Rest of Us

September 30, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

Had a weird experience at work that left me angry and looking like an idiot. I told a few coworkers that —  having been raised Jewish in the New York area where we all got off for the Jewish holidays and many of us didn’t celebrate Christmas — I wasn’t really sure when Christmas was. I had a range of a couple dates, but since we were always off for both of them, I really didn’t know.

It spread fast and the department was floored. “Did you really ask when Christmas was?” someone asked.
“Do you know when Hanukkah is?” I kind of fired back.

I shouldn’t have attacked the man who asked it, and he was smart enough to respond that it’s different every year, but I was pissed when he said, “Most Jewish people celebrate both.”

What?! No they don’t.

He said they do, and cited a woman in our company who does. Maybe she’s married to a Christian, I dunno. But I don’t think it’s true that “most” Jewish people celebrate Christmas. It doesn’t make any sense. It makes way less sense than the whole world speaking English. I’m not Christian. I didn’t learn about Jesus. I don’t understand his importance and he doesn’t play a role in my life to either celebrate or recognize. I don’t even know if Christmas is his birth or his death or his uprising. I don’t even know if ‘uprising’ is correct.

I don’t want to offend anybody. I think the fact that we have different beliefs and different upbringings is so wonderful. I love that I’m marrying a Christian and we are weaving different histories together. But I don’t want this kind of confusion hanging around, and I don’t ever want to be somebody who promotes it. So I probably shouldn’t have snapped like I did. I should have taken the moment to educate my really sweet Midwestern colleague that nope, not all of us celebrate it. Not all of us want to.

Although I do love the warmth and family togetherness that Christmas brings into all of our lives.

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Week 38: Feeling Like Peggy

September 29, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized) (, )

That’s Peggy Olson, from “Mad Men”, if you were wondering. I’m feeling a lot like her this week. Overworked, undervalued and totally in a man’s world. It’s hard to navigate when I’m new to the office and I’ve got juniors under me that need a mentor. I’m failing, I’m frustrated and I’m working on ways to get what I want by improving my communication. We are a Communications firm, after all.

Guaranteed not to be a nail biter for anyone else but me, but I’ll of course keep the world posted.

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Week 37: Parental Guidance

September 14, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

We’ve been talking about our future: about having kids in two years. I want to, but I’m not handling my stress well, and am yelling and stonewalling and stressing all over the place. I keep trying to tell myself it’ll be different when I have kids.  No it won’t. I won’t be some sudden angel because I’ve fulfilled my fantasy of having kids. It’s time to face that anger is a real problem for me. I need to address this. I keep wondering how I can be a parent unlike my parents — well, it’s about talking when I feel hurt or upset  instead of keeping it in to protect other people’s feelings or to keep myself from crying. What happens is that I  explode  later, either on the person that hurt me, on myself, or worse on other people in unrelated situations. Like on my work colleagues because I feel criticized. It’s called communication, and I need to learn it.

Right now, I’m still angry and defensive ,and it’s an awful, inexcusable way to be. In the interest of having happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids, I need to work backwards and figure out how I’m going to be the mother that produces those types of people. I know, I know: It means being that person myself. How will I ever accomplish that?

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Week 36: That Being Said…

September 8, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

Yeah, I blabbed on about the joys of minimalism last week, but there are a few things I just need to make my life complete. NEED!!!!!! And I’m putting them here so I can remember what I’m working and scrimping and sacrificing for. They’re basics to most of you, but to me, they’re rewards that keep me going:

1. A 16 GB Nano (mine broke and it’s hard to work, run and feel safe in Uptown without it. I’ve sold some vintage jewelry and plan to sell some clothes and gold to get this. Yes, it’s that desperate)

2. A glass shelf in our bathroom (T has as many beauty products as I do, and I’m holding out for a nice glass shelf to add value to the condo)

3. A dustbuster (Because the vacuum wouldn’t fit, and I like to clean!)

4. An armoire (T has more clothes than I do and we have nowhere to put them all)

5. Workout clothes (at least an extra sports bra. I’m working out enough to warrant this)

6. Rugs to keep our freezing elevated first floor warm in winter

7. A unnecessary splurge on a hot pair of fall leather boots. (For me, all for me!!!!)

If I estimate this right, that’s about $1200 worth of things I absolutely seem to need. So… Happy almost holidays!! (It IS the Jewish New Year, you know!)

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Week 35: Under-Doing It.

September 6, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

One thing these past five years have taught me to want (and recognize as optimal) is minimalism. So not being able to have everything that attracts my eyes is a wonderful thing. I have to pare down wishlists to what’s important and really work towards what I truly want. This wedding is an exercize in that. I can’t make a dream tangible, and neither can every other person who thinks this is their event make dreams tangible. So what can I achieve? What can I control? A week reflecting in Rome led me to this:

T and I are working to build a happy family. We love our friends, family, sunshine, music and the beach. We love each other. We want babies soon and a doggie soon and a home soon and a long, amazing, delicious trip — soon. This wedding is about balancing our hopes for all that with what we have time, energy, devotion, compromise and money for. I hope we get to enjoy and grow from the process. I think that’s what we both want most of all. And when I think of that, I’m reminded of why we’re truly going this way together in the first place.

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