Week 46: Perspective.

November 18, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

My uncle was in town on business this week. I loove when my uncle comes into town. He’s so happy, so full of life, so brilliant and experienced and thoughtful, and our discussions always leave me reinvigorated.

It’s a something I only usually gain from vacation, this spark. I feel very inspired right now to go for the things I want. Not at work, where I’ve been forced to spend my time lately, but in other areas we like to call “life”.

I really do miss being able to invest in myself. I want to write. I mean take a class and figure out how to really write this story I can’t seem to start. I want to sing with a big chorus. I want to swim. I’m so interested in learning Spanish and starting a business and dabbling in investing. I want to read all these books and get involved in projects like sewing and painting and sketching. I want to try yoga and belly dancing. I want to try so many things — and I want to do them all for fun. Not to check them off a list. Not for competition. Not to please others. Not for weight loss. Not on a deadline. I just want to live.

I used to be full of life. That’s what attracted T to me. I used to be multi-dimensional, but trying to prove myself as worthwhile has made me boring. I want my dimensions back. I want my boldness and fun.

T and I have some boring responsible stuff to take care of over the next month or so, but after that, I’m bustin’ loose. Zee stick is leaving zee arse.

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Week 45: Cutting the Cord.

November 9, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

My mother came into town to meet my fiance’s parents for the first time. The meeting went well, but my time with her alone was the most interesting I’ve had thus far. Isn’t it funny how you grow up and then past your parents and still remain codependent to them because you’re afraid to be more or different than you were raised to be?

I know you probably don’t agree. I’m sure you  became your own person long ago. But any time you don’t put yourself out there, consider why. Any time you hold on to fears, avoid risks, hold on to bad habits, continue doing what is not good for you or stubbornly refuse to pursue what is, recognize that what holds any person back is the comfort with the old way and a lack of familiarity with the unknown. And the unknown is simply what we didn’t experience or weren’t pushed to experience as children. It’s not rocket science that people would decide not to fix what’s not broken. But that’s exactly how we don’t challenge ourselves to think differently, and it’s exactly how old patterns get repeated. And man are they hard to break.

Through my parents’ patterns, I experienced narrow mindedness, judgment, haughtiness, anger, selfishness, avoidance, anti-social behavior, seclusion, anxiety, fear of “different” and insecurity. I’m really just realizing now how much of my life I spent becoming, trying to become or pretending to be this person.

It’s goooooood to separate myself. It is really good. I’m happier already  feeling the momentum of  the big ship finally, finally turning itself around.

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Week 44: Free Bird

November 1, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

It goes without saying that happiness is defined differently by each person, and so it’s quite possible someone could feel alone in a city as busy as Chicago. That’s been me, lately. I’ve felt restless and lonely, but I know better than to blame it on Chicago. If anything, I’ve been a bad citizen to Chicago lately. I’ve ridden the bus in pitch black, looked at the sunrise beginning over the lakefront, sat in my office building, left it at pitch black and returned home on the same bus. I’ve cleaned my condo and gone to the Target. I really have become detached from my city in the past six months, so it’s no wonder I feel uninspired by it.

Whenever I start to feel like I’m drifting like this,  the thing that always draws me back is music. I’ve been feeling the pull of choral music, lately. To me, lending my voice to a chorus is the most fulfilling thing I can be a part of. Fronting a blues band, acting in musicals, singing a cappella and singing lead in a band have never been comfortable fits for me. They’re always someone else’s version of me, and I feel like I have so many other opportunities for people to tell me what to be in life that singing is where I should really be able to let myself fly.  The greatest music for singers was written to fill a huge concert hall without restraint, and I’m craving that again. I haven’t done it since I was 23 or 24, but I’d say that’s probably when I really lost myself to begin with.

Work is busy and life has its responsibilities, but everyone has to have something all for themselves. I feel extremely fortunate that my greediest, most personal, most joyful activity is joining my voice with other people’s. I can say with much relief that even though money is tight, if I can squeeze out some time, I can definitely afford to be happy.:)

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