Week 43: Vacation, All I Ever Needed.

October 25, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

We spent the weekend in Nashville for our friends’ wedding. And I saw what I always see when I’m on vacation: How I love gaining a different and renewed perspective above all else. I never would have gone to Nashville, for example, if it weren’t for our friends C&S. That’s something to recognize as we halt and alter and stretch and re-scope and  bastardize our wedding plans in pursuit of the perfect scenario that pleases all.

C & S come from religious families but had their wedding in a music joint in Nasville. They did it their way, with vintage  clothing, a gritty and sparse setting, BBQ from down the street and friends playing music all night. If they had done it any other way — how their parents’ envisioned, in a way that would have made it better or easier for anyone else, whatever that means, or just traditionally — it just wouldn’t have worked. And I don’t just mean for them. Yes, they wouldn’t have been happy — and trying to please others doesn’t necessarily mean the others will be happy, either, as I’m learning. But it’s more the benefits they afforded all of us because they made the occasion about them; not about us. It was one day to see things from a perspective other than our own. Some people I know are long overdue for that awakening.

Going on vacation gets you out of your head and your rat race and your routine of a life and freshens your perspective. Doing a mundane thing like attending a wedding in a completely different way from what you’re used to can evolve and develop and grow you, too. It’s something I hadn’t considered when trying to make everyone happy: That they might actually benefit more from not getting what they expect. That doing what they want isn’t necessarily the right thing, nor is it in line with my beliefs about what it means to be a good friend, family member or  person any more. I think that if they decide that they can’t make it or won’t stand for it or that they’re only content with things a certain way, it’s their loss. And it truly is.

When people say the wedding is ‘about you’, I now interpret that to mean ‘we’re coming because we want to be a part of who you are and what you share together. We’re happy for you — who the two of you are. We want to experience that and celebrate that and draw from that and feel good about that.’ And maybe, unspoken, is the hope and expectation to learn from that and take more than a cheap trinket home with them. It’s bigger than that to them.

And in the spirit of bigger than that, my marriage is bigger than all the pettiness that is going around, too. It’s more than support I want for T and me, although even that seems hard won. It’s deference for our beliefs, personal preferences, religious backgrounds, spiritual values and approach to OUR family and future. It’s not about us being the center of attention or waited on hand and foot, but it is about allowing the moment to emerge naturally where we come into our own. About no one standing it our way. It’s about bearing witness to what happens without control or expectations, which is how our love came about in the first place.

It’s about letting us be. It’s about letting it happen. It’s about letting us be happy.

It’s about me letting us be happy.

It always is.

I need to figure out what  I want and start changing everything else. Already, I know I need more vacations.

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Week 42: Nimble Enough

October 15, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized) (, , , )

Running late, I decided to get into the longest line I’ve ever witnessed for Starbucks. Didn’t have the time,  iPod’s acting weird, computer’s acting weird, work desktop’s acting weird — I’m stressed and acting weird… Anyway, I got into line and two men get in behind me, one senior to the other. They’re talking about the office, the young kid’s obviously new. The old guy’s obviously been there awhile. I overhear him mentoring: “With these types of projects, at the end, there are just gonna be things you couldn’t have prepared for — that are beyond your control — and you just gotta be nimble enough to go with the flow. Because inevitably, something’s gonna happen.”

Best advice I could have been late for. Whereas a few weeks ago I’d had “enough” and consequently spent this morning’s bus ride figuring out where I could squeeze out more order for my life;  peace of mind came from the assembly line at Starbucks.  “Nimble enough” — that’s the real goal.

I walked out of Starbucks happy, then spilled my foamy drink on myself, got pissed, thought of the chain reaction of shittiness it set into motion for the day and had to start all over again.

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Week 20: iDon’tGetIt. Clearly

October 10, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

This week, I stopped by the Apple store to play with the iPad. I felt like a gimp using it. I know everyone else thinks it’s amazing, but I think you’re being had.

This post was meant for April or something, but in the spirit of my recent anger, here are some other things I don’t get of late:

Why people insist on walking down the middle of the sidewalk when there are clearly two sides on which to walk and tons of people obeying those rules. And don’t smack me with your fucking purse when you do sashay past me. You just further prove how much you suck.

Why, when I call you, you don’t call me back. Do I have to leave a message? You’re my family and friends. If you don’t care, neither do I. I’m done.

Why _you_ are angry at me that I am planning my wedding and you don’t know every detail yet. Do you know that I don’t know every detail yet? Do you care what I want or about my happiness? Clearly not.

That’s enough for Week 20. When I resume posting in Weeks 40 and beyond, I’ll have far more anger to spew in your direction.

 

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Week 22: New Job

October 10, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

Yep, I skipped this week way back when because I was so stressed out. I was working like a dog to get this job we so desperately needed me to get, and it ended up being such a great thing that I did neglect everything else for this job. Because I got it!! And along with the position of Senior Digital Copywriter, I got a great team, great talent, great clients, great opportunities, great location downtown and tremendous growth. I feel good about my job, maybe for the first time ever. It’s put into motion the desire and push to feel good about other things in my life.

This is probably why I’m so pissed off of late.

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Week 41: Free Will Astrology

October 7, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

Whoa. I like to read “New City’s” Free Will Horoscopes online. They remind me to be more positive. On the heels of my last post, here’s my latest:

CANCER (June 21-July 22): For the moment, set aside your complaints about the transgressions of your original family. Cease your laments about the struggles you had to endure as a child. If you enjoy marinating yourself in those sorrows, you can always return to them at a later date. Here are the opportunities that are now available to you: to focus on the gifts that your early life blessed you with… to acknowledge the resources bequeathed to you by the past… to celebrate and access the primal power that has been yours to draw on since the day you were born.

Now that’s what I call “timing”. Gotta “marinate” on this a little bit and figure out how to make the transition from Week 40 to 41 and beyond.

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Week 40: Enough

October 6, 2010 at 7:16 (Uncategorized)

I looked in the mirror last night and saw an angry, ugly, old woman staring back at me.

I need a break.

I’ve been running a fever now for two months. I work all the time and worry about it when I’m not working. My meals consist of candy, chocolate, chips and coffee. I rarely sleep and barely solidly. My heart’s been going like crazy. I’ve gained six pounds in two months. I don’t exercise anymore. I don’t drink enough water. I am under stress from family crap and wedding crap and money crap. I’m coughing and having trouble breathing. I’m dizzy. I’m tired. I feel pretty lousy actually.

I need control over something. Good control. Useful control. I’m cutting bad people out of my life and trying to release their control of me. Unfortunately, most of these  people are my family. It’s a terrible thing to let go of: Wanting bad people to not be so bad for me. Wanting them to get better. Needing them to so I can be happy. So I can have them in my life so that I can pretend that I have a useful , normal family. But I can’t change them and I can’t change them by willing them to change. I try, but all I end up changing is my own personality to make them happy. It’s how I’ve survived my whole life. Maybe that’s denial. Being afraid to be true to myself. Being afraid to admit that the people who want to control me are bad in their intentions, not good. That they are selfish and make me feel incompetent to make themselves feel better. That I am not truly worthless, but made to feel that way so they have something THEY can control. Errrr, this is more than I want to say in a blog. I guess the reality is I still am the one who has to change and who can change and who has control over my own happiness by changing. And these people who don’t give a damn about me — I don’t need to give such a damn about them. They have certainly made me feel small enough that I seem to think I need to accept being treated this way, but that’s not true, is it? I don’t get a thing out of relationships like that but the terrible symptoms I’ve described above. Why am I accepting this, then? Clearly because I still need so badly to feel loved by the people who matter most in our early lives: Our family.

Way too heavy for a blog. I’m saving the rest for the novel I’ll one day write.

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